This is an important lesson that I learned pretty late in life. This maybe obvious to some of you, but it took me a while to get it.
I have been told that I have been blessed with a pretty nice figure. And I know a lot of people think “Oh she’s got a nice figure, I’m sure she’s confident and doesn’t have any issues” Au contraire! I think it’s because I have always been an attractive female, even in my early teens, that I have had a lot of issues. I’m not really sure when this happened to me, but at some point, maybe middle school my body and I got separated. I never really knew that I was doing this or relating this way, but my body was more of a possession or something I owned or accessorized, but never a part of who I was.
As a teen I had horrible posture and I was quite endowed for my little frame. I hid everything pretty well. I think I always thought that if guys knew I had a good body, that would be the only reason to go out with me, and they would never want me for who I was. So I hid behind baggy shirts, and clothes that didn’t show anything off. I’m sure that had a lot to do with this disconnection.
I started acting at a young age, and I was always taught that I should relate to my body as a prop. I thought that was a pretty easy task, because apparently I had always been doing that.
I was one of those girls who experimented with sex in high school. I had a steady boyfriend for 2 1/2 years, and I thought I knew what I was doing, and that everything was good. I enjoyed it, and we had fun.
BUT it wasn’t until I was in my late 20’s and talking to my girlfriends that I realized I had never experienced the big “O” – yes Orgasms. Some part of me was convinced, maybe I had when I was younger, and had forgotten, or that I had this imaginary high standard that just wasn’t being met. The truth was I wasn’t open to experiencing it. It wasn’t the fault of any of my past lovers; I just wasn’t capable of it.
So as I kept studying and learning I found where I had flaws, and what was the source of the lack of orgasms and sexual intimacy. As I said my body and I were separated, how could I experience the physical joy of the big “O”, if I couldn’t feel, or didn’t associate that it was my body and my being that was having these experiences. You might know what it’s like to look at yourself in the mirror, or even just look down at part of your body and think “Is this really my body?”
I finally realized and started paying more attention to where I was separated from my body, and started looking for ways to become connected, and loving. I had seen this documentary, ”Body: the Value of Women” and in it, the filmmaker has this powerful moment nude in front of a mirror, so I tried it. I remembered standing there looking at myself, and trying to see the connection –that didn’t work for me. So I tried something else, I grabbed some lotion, and started lathering lotion on myself, slowly, and closed my eyes and just tried to feel the tactile sensations that this was my body, and it was a part of me. Well needless to say things didn’t shift over night, but they started to. I spent a lot of time paying attention to feelings from a tactile sense. If I had an itch I stopped, paid attention to the sensations, and then scratched it. I spent a lot of time worshiping my body, taking care of my body, and eventually falling in love with my body.
I think there were many factors that transformed from a relationship to my body, to a relationship with my body, my body itself, my body and vulnerability and how I was in the ways of sex. I know I’m not the first to say this, and I’m sure I won’t be the last… Women – you have to love your body – all of it, own it – be comfortable with all of your body! After having two children, I see the body I have now, and I compare to the body prior to kids, and I activley find ways to love the scars form my c-section, the more rounded belly form carring two children, and even my larger ankles that help support me when I’m carring my 2 year old.
Whatever issues you have, theres a good chance your spuse doesn’t see you that way, and they love your body (and probably want to spend more time with you and it!) So you might as well join them in loving you and the way you look. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!
Once I owned it, and only then, was someone else free to say it, so that I could hear it, accept it and believe him. I accepted his compliments as a gift. I’m lucky my husband still tells me I’m beautiful!!
If you don’t already own and love your body, I invite you to find a way to connect and love your body every week. I was going to say every day, but as a busy mom, it’s hard to find that time by yourself to focus on yourself – so start with every week.