I’m pregnant again and I’m terrified.  

Kind of a bold statement for someone that you are just meeting to make, but it’s the truth. Let me explain.

I’m a mother of five.  I have two wonderful boys that are six and four.  Then we had two miscarriages (before you stop reading please hear me out – that’s in there for those other mom’s who have been through this, we tend to click away or at least I did/do).  We lost our twins, Cassidy and Carter, just shy of 12 weeks on February 27th, 2015. In July of 2016 we lost our next baby, Morgan, at about 6 weeks.

Why do I tell you this?  It has taken me until the very day I am writing this in November of 2017, while being terrified that it could happen again, to say aloud that “I have five children”.

In society today we do not always see what is going on in someone’s life before we pass judgement on them.  Currently I’m sure my friends are thinking that I have turned into a hermit but it is simply me guarding myself and attempting to enjoy and not enjoy this moment.

To admit that I am forcing myself to enjoy but also not enjoy the moment of expecting a new baby may sound crazy to some out there but it is how I must take this right now so that I can guard my heart a little bit.

I’m living terrified.  I’m trying to balance it all.

Do you remember as a child trying to stand on the middle of the teeter-totter and use your weight to get it to balance perfectly in the air.  Ah what a sense of power and confidence. That is pretty much how I am trying to handle this news right now. Just balancing the excitement with the reality that no matter how much you want something, it is simply out of my hands.  I cannot force the teeter-totter to do what I want it to do right now so I just have to balance it.

We have not told anyone our news and feel that it is our way of “guarding their hearts” as well. This time around it does not feel the same to keep the secret, as we did with our first until we were six months along.  This time we have to be cautious.

Where we live here in MN at Thanksgiving there is always a big IRIS, Infants Remembered In Silence, event.  There are 10k and under races for the entire family and the whole town advertises the event. It is hard not to become overly emotional when all of these things are surrounding you daily.

I never really thought much of the name of this event until we had lost our babies.  And suddenly you read it and it slaps you in the face. The silence. There is no baby crying.  It is simply silent. And those silent moments haunt you.

For that reason I hated to even see the signs up and find the flyers in my grocery bags.  Eventually this event became one of the reasons I can now look someone in the eye, without crying finally, and say I am a mother of five.  I have two boys and three angel babies.

Mother’s everywhere know that the pain never really goes away.  That little one was a part of you and will always be a part of you.  I hope and pray that someday you will be able to find the strength to not feel forced into silence.  Babies that are lost are still part of us and a part that deserves to be remembered.

It’s ok to celebrate their birthday’s (my boys sing to our babies before bed the night of their birthday-nothing to fancy).  It’s fantastic to find a way to remember them daily. And celebrate Mother’s Day, you are a wonderful mother who deserves it.

A Hopeful Happy Ending

So while I still find myself terrified about the wait, I know that this time will be different.  We are now in April and patiently awaiting, with hopeful hearts, each passing week that leads us closer to the birth of our next child.  We have still had some challenges along the way, but that has become part of parenting for us.

Focusing on the next step seems to be a helpful one – preparing our two boys to become big brothers.  I’m sure there will be no challenges in that 😉

Happy parenting.